| Sunday May 29th 2016

Department of Homeland Security?

Home Simpson Running Marathon“So I recently discovered a great new running trail one evening- beautiful rolling dirt with old, moss-covered trees. Deer and owls, and not another human being to be found. Only problem is that the trail lay beyond a barb-wire fence, and a “No Trespassing” sign.

Went back a week or two later, found the end, and was even more stoked on the great find of a place to run a hard 10-miler not too far from the city.

Went back again, with a small group of other runners. And we met the County Department of Water truck. At first it was just to be a warning and escorted off the grounds. Clearly not hiding a wallet in my v-notch shorts, I was without ID. So I gave him Bruce Denton (the name of a famous runner), and all that goes along with it. My running companion gave him the name Quenton Cassidy (a fictional character of running lore)…

I’ll skip a few potential paragraphs here, and get to the part where the head boss of the Water Dept gets involved and decides to write me a citation. Decision time: backpedal and give my real name, or stick to the story and get off scott-free.

Bruce Denton was issued a trespassing citation.

Three days later, the Department of Homeland Security showed up at my work to inform me that while trespassing is a misdemeanor, perjury on a sheriff’s citation is a felony. I felt like someone had just kicked me in the balls. (still not sure how exactly they tracked me down, but evidently Dept. of Homeland security is in charge of all public water access since 9/11).

Anyhow, a week passed, and nothing. Then a month. A sighed a cautious breath of relief. Three months, and the citation was pinned to my office wall, and I recounted the story to friends with humor.

Yesterday the letter arrived in the mail:
People of California vs. My Real Name

Great. Any lawyers out there?”

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