| Wednesday April 23rd 2014

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Here come the airport rectal exams!


Uh-oh. Now that a terrorist has tried unsuccessfully to blow up a Saudi prince with a bomb shoved up his ass, the TSA is obliged to perform rectal exams on every flier for the rest of time. After all, once a jihadi failed to blow up a plane with his shoe, we all needed to start taking our shoes off. TSA sucksThen some knuckleheads believed they could blow up a plane with energy beverages and hair gel, so now we have to limit ourselves to 100ml of all liquids and gels, unless they’re for babies or are prescription (because no mass-murderer would be so evil as to forge a doctor’s note, which, as every junkie knows, cannot possibly be forged).

Now we found someone who was made to believe he could kill people with an butt bomb, and so it follows that the TSA will have to ban — or at least inspect — our assholes. They’re like opinions, you know, everybody’s got one. Except, of course, most of us got to keep our assholes to ourselves. Not anymore.


Let’s just be thankful that no one has yet convinced a suicidal murderer that he could blow up a plane with his mind, because once that happens, we’re all in for mandatory airport trepidations. Because, you know, you can’t be too safe. Every little bit helps. If an unhinged suicide bomber believes it’s possible, we must take it seriously. To do less would be irresponsible.

For years, I have made the joke about Richard Reid: “Just be glad that he wasn’t the underwear bomber.” Now, sadly, we have an example of one.Lewis Page, an “improvised-device disposal operator tasked in support of the UK mainland police from 2001-2004,” pointed out that this isn’t much of a threat for three reasons: 1) you can’t stuff a lot of explosives into a body cavity, 2) detonation is, um, problematic, and 3) the human body can stifle an explosion pretty effectively (think of someone throwing himself on a grenade to save his friends).

But who ever accused the TSA of being rational?

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